Thursday, August 8, 2013

Welcome, Anxiety my Frenemy

Somehow, I'd almost forgotten this breathless feeling over the summer. This feeling where I cannot breathe from the moment I wake up. But school starts tomorrow and my unwelcome guest, that monster anxiety, is out in full terrorist attack again.

During the summer, I can break things down into what I can sort of control/micromanage (everything that happens under my watch) and what I cannot (other people). Since more happens under my watch, I might even appear to be relaxed and joyful. However, during the school year, I really cannot control anything and so, I worry. A lot. The more I worry, the more anxiety is fed and the more breathless I become.

If anything, I'm a giver when it comes to feeding that monster anxiety during the school year. My brain never shuts up, day or night, and sometimes the most random things will filter through it.

It's like a damned ticker tape in my head.

We had a great year for second grade. Was it too great? Does this mean that, in order to balance the order of events in this world, third grade is going to suck as badly as first grade did? *Mrs M., if you're reading this, no offense. We loved you, but first grade was traumatizing.

Morgan has shown gains, clear gains. But those are clear to me, are they going to be clear to a teacher who does not know him?

Did we have enough fun this summer? I mean, I had fun, but it seems like we could have done more.

I wonder why the kids cannot figure out how the heck to turn off the lights? It's not hard.

When the school does evaluations (He turns nine this year and needs to be re-evaluated.), are they going to find that he's labeled something else? Does that matter? In his gains, has he made too much progress to get the help he very clearly needs?

How are the budget cuts going to directly impact my child's education?

Is Bailey ordering another thing off of Amazon? I need to tell his new teacher. What if that child gets a hold of her cell phone? Oh God.

Please let him learn to self-advocate. 

God, please let him be comfortable in his school's environment. Please.

Maybe this will be the year he makes a friend who will love trains as much as he does. Or at least has an interest in them. And Thomas the Tank Engine stories. Who will also understand Morgan's British/Thomasish slang for things. I might be shooting for the stars on this one, but Thomas doesn't seem to be exiting Morgan's life anytime soon and I'm not booting him out. It'd be nice for Morgan to have a friend with shared interests.

Did I buy him the "right" kind of shoes? This is so stupid. Is he going to get teased for that back pack? Crap, still stupid.

Is that IEP good enough?

He's really having problems with auditory processing. I need to mention that. I cannot forget to mention that. I need to put that in his introduction letter to the teacher.

Who is his teacher? I'm freaking about this one and would really love to know about a month in advance so that I can thoroughly cyber stalk this woman or man. Who,"Hi", if you found this blog because other members of the school's faculty read this! I'm not nuts, I swear. Well, maybe a little "neurotic." I care about my kid, a lot. I'm one of "those moms" who write about a thousand letters a school year. I also then turn around and forget a lot of things. I'm sorry about that. Life is complicated at all times. But my kid? He's great! Also, since my other child is in school this year, too, I can volunteer. A lot.

My mind ping pongs like crazy from subject to subject, sometimes not solving anything, but always worrying on something which, normally, I won't be able to solve or impact in any way. Everyone has stress and mine is no more than most people. I just wish there was an off switch to my brain.

But still, it was nice to breathe for a bit.

Breathing spot, sort of. Before the jellyfish.

1 comment :