Monday, July 22, 2013

Live out Loud

*Sometimes I wish that I had called this blog, "Deciphering Life," because as I write more, that's what I seem to be doing. That being said, not everything I write is going to be about Autism or raising kids. Sometimes it's going to be about being a mom with some personal problems. If this doesn't apply to you, feel free to check back on the next post. Thanks, Jessi. 

As a person, parent, and woman, living out loud, that is, living an authentic life, is someone I struggle with  greatly . I find this to be slightly ironic since I encourage others to take this leap into doing something that I cannot do for myself.

Fear and self-loathing rule far too much of my life. I laugh a lot because I'm uncomfortable or because I know it makes other people feel good to laugh. It's the whole, "laughter is the best medicine" adage which so many others ascribe to that I feel I must I also live by. But it's a lie, for me. Doubts run rampant in my head and they're always about my own decisions and truths.

The boogey man is always there, waiting to get me. For what reason, I don't know. I acknowledge that this is painful, uncomfortable, and keeps people at bay. Always within arms reach, but I don't reach out. To do so might mean that people get close enough to see scars or reality. And that can hurt.

Pin it.
I wish sometimes that I could go back into my childhood and tell myself to not knock what I had/have going for me. That to be outspoken isn't wrong. To not always wear black, gray, or taupe. To stop being so hard on myself- there are plenty of others out there to do that for me. To not fear so damned much.

That one day, there will be time for all of that.

My two best examples of living out loud are my sons, Morgan and Bailey. They each march to the beat of their own drums and really don't seem to care what others think of them. I envy that so much. They don't censor what they say, what they do, and if someone stares, so be it. They have their mom to take up for them and that's okay- they're kids. I know that I'm very hard on them. I'm wanting them to be excellent human beings. I'm scared of letting go. However, this doesn't seem to adversely affect them. They laugh a lot (more than me), they're silly, and they are full of the crazies of childhood. I hope they never lose that.

This year, the first of my thirties, has not been bad. It has actually been pretty great. However, it's been what I have to call a "mirror year." That is, where I feel like I'm constantly looking in the mirror. I don't particularly like what I'm seeing.

I'm too hard on myself. Harder than I am even on others.

I don't like myself very much. That's my problem and I need to fix it.

I don't laugh enough.

I worry too damned much.

I need to breathe more.

I need to let go.

I need to take some cues from my kids, disconnect from the bullshit...

And live out loud. 

How about you?

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