Monday, February 25, 2013

The hitchhiker's guide to Autism

*This entire post is meant to be taken as a joke and not as offense. It is meant as humor, albeit sarcastic humor and I'm sorry if it is offensive to anyone but neurotypical parents of neurotypical children that treat other parents of Autist children, or Autist, adults in any fashion other than with respect.  This is satire.

With Autism, you're projected onto another planet, a planet that needs a guide book in order to avoid the land mines, navigate the countries, and a translator for the jargon- which neurotypicals usually come up with to confuse other neurotypicals. Someone, somewhere, is screaming at you, judging you, and honey, it is never going to let up. Please, allow me to continue.
The thing about planet Autism is that the planet, like Earth, is divided up into different countries. That jargon? It comes with it's own inner jargon. Subcultures of people have their own secret societies, I swear I'm speaking the truth.

The planet Autism is credibly complex. The puzzle shaped countries, which were designed by some long forgotten dinosaur, are different colored. There is debate within the UA (United Autism, which is not actually united) as to if intentional earthquakes should keep occurring in order to severe the edges of the countries so that the said countries will no longer be puzzle shaped.

 The Autists themselves, you know, the people who created the planet? They've up and left because the parents (some of whom are called "allies") and doctors keep pissing them off. So, they keep sending out secret signals (think batman) to the little Autists to come join the gang when they're old enough. They're called ASAN and I hear their rocket ships are pretty cool. Also, they have a secret handshake. 

As to planet Autism...
The largest amount of money is concentrated in AS, which shows up as blue on maps. A lot of parents belong to AS, but the only Autists in that country are children. After the age of 18, all children are booted off the country to seek their own fortune. At least, that's the rumor, no one really knows for sure, it's a secret, like that door thing on Lost.

Careful, one wrong step in any of those countries and you're liable to hit a landmine. Tell someone that you've been to AS and Boom! - you might be a goner.

You do the GFCF approach? Oh hon, let me take you over to that island, where the inhabitants are only allowed to eat things without faces on Tuesday. They're colored a milky white on the map out of irony.

The Bio-Med island is tricky and actually has no landmines because that could contribute to further contamination. This island is green.

The environmentalist side of the planet is pretty big, and is colored red- they're angry at a lot of people.

The geneticists are shaded in purple because I couldn't come up with a better color.

The manual for jargon/acronyms is incredibly complex and keeps growing. Terms like GFCF, ABA, IEP, 504, DAN!, ST, OT, PT, STFU, WTF, PECS, ERISA, OMFG, etc, are common. Plus, use respect when addressing any and all inhabitants. That being said, not all inhabitants actually use respect.

On planet Autism, the water is safe to drink. Chewelry is in all gift bags. Stimming is encouraged, or should be at all times. Sensory gyms are everywhere. Every country is a wonderland for each subculture of people because each subculture not so secretly thinks that they are in the right place.

There should be no judgement, but there is, because there are still parents inhabiting this planet. There is civil war, really (see the landmine comment, that crap's real).

Even after years of living on this planet, I am shocked by the amount of judgement. Even though I am not from the area of Bio-Med, I try to not judge those that are; however, some Bio-Meds judge me. I love those from planet ASAN and seek to soak up their language, costumes, and knowledge. I'd kill for their handbook. However, there are those from the country of AS that do not feel the way I do and that confuses me.

We basically speak the same language, even though we all need the guidebook at all times. We all inhabit the same planet. You'd think we'd want the same thing: making the world a better place for those we love. But no, instead we've had to drive the Autists off of this wonderful planet and force them onto a planet of their own, therefore creating an us versus them mentality. I really do not understand that.

We might never cross the divides in that universe. I'm keeping my passport handy in case we do because, really, I want to be able to visit my kiddo on planet ASAN.

* I forgot to mention the rumors of a secret island where Autists and parents live together in harmony. It's called Imagine. In Imagine, people actually get along. They lobby for equal rights, agree to disagree about major issues, and, in general, live in harmony. They really just want to break down barriers in order for Autists to gain respect that they deserve. Imagine might be real. I hope it is because I'm in love with this idea. 


  1. are there sporns on the planet Autism?

    1. Yes, but not in the country of Bio-Med. At least, if there is, people do not eat them. You know, might need antibiotics to cure what ails ya :) People, don't shoot me.